A New Dark Lord
by Witty Wordsmith
Summary: Bet you were hoping for just another wonderful Harry Potter story? Well, you came to just the wrong place. This is one of those spoofs, you see... and everything is fair game.


The tall man with beautiful silver hair hurried through Diagon Alley. Swinging around the brightly lit corner, the well-dressed gentleman entered into an area less traveled, and much more depraved Knockturn Alley. Gracefully moving around a snoring shape, slouched on a street lamp; he continues to a small storefront tucked back from the others. As he passes through the doorway, he reached a hand out to feel the weathered ebony stone. Passing into the poorly lit shop, his footsteps echoing across the ancient granite floor, he crosses to a small iron seat and sits down with a flourish. Shortly, he removes a small sack of coin from his inner cloak pocket and drops it onto the worn oak table.

At the sound of the coin, a squat figure appears from the back room and the small bag disappears, following an appraising glance, into his pocket. The figure stands behind the silver-haired man and raises his wand, with his mouth curling up at the edges. He aims at the back of the man's head and focuses with unusual interest. Without warning green light flares from the tip of his wand, and with a loud thump as it hits the ground, Draco Malfoy's haircut is over. He looks in the mirror. "Thank you Sam."

Draco leaves the way he came.

Bet you were hoping for just another wonderful Harry Potter story? Well, you came to just the wrong place. This is one of those spoofs, you see... and nothing is fair game. The only thing that I promise is that there will be no Mary Sues, no character's being portrayed in exaggerated stereotypes, and no dead characters wandering around. Now, with those lofty goals in mind, we trek onward in the tale of **A New Darklord!**

**Work in Progress!**

There were too many people in the house. This was not general consensus, most find Christmas with their families enjoyable enough, but Albus Severus Potter did not. He was quite frustrated with the normal course of business on Christmas in the Potter household. For one, he never got what he wanted. Last year James has gotten a Nimbus 356 SL limited edition stretch broomstick, Lily had received a dozen unicorns and a carriage, and he had received a bag of beans that made you fart purple. No one understood him. Secondly, he had to share his room with old Granny Weasely. This hadn't been a problem when he was younger, but she was now rather unfortunately afflicted with dementia, and being woken in the middle of the night by an old, grey woman shaking a cane at you, screams that you are a bitch, and tries to use the killing curse. It might strike some as funny, but around the 9th time, it really is just tiresome. Lastly, those damned Weasleys always show up and unfortunately, the honeymoon is long over.

Stepping back inside, Albus walked through the hallway and entered into the cool family room, where everyone sat unwrapping presents. James opened a smallish box to find a coupon redeemable for a goblin colony. Lily opened a larger package and removed a 12,000 square foot starter castle, with working moat and drawbridge. He pulled back the paper on his own package to find... a small can of mushroom soup. He sighed and set the paper aside, looking at the floor while Mrs. Weasely dug into Rose and Hugo's dad again. "Well, Ron, did you tell Harry and Ginny about work? Oh, it really is so exciting. Due to Ronny's hard work and determination, the blast-end skrewts have been driven from England."

Harry fingered a deep burn mark on his arm. He remembered. Harry Potter, a reliable Auror, had been called in for Skrewt duty.

Hermione continued, "Oh, the best news is that while Ministry resources were diverted, a New Dark Lord has risen. Ron hasn't been this bad at something since our honeymoon." Ron glared at her glumly and took a swig from the firewhiskey bottle.

Harry blinked a few times, "A new dark lord?"

Hermione looked incredulous, "No Harry! Not some run-of-the-mill idiot new dark lord... He's a New Dark Lord! The capitalization denotes importance.

Harry looked distraught. "Who is it? If we know perhaps we could find him."

Hermione turned to Harry and said, "Why did I marry Ron, when it was perfectly clear to most people that you and I were more compatable? I mean, Ron is an idiot who we added on so as to have a third character. Why in God's name would I marry the damned comic relief?"

Harry looked at her quickly. "Tell me about it. Instead I ended up with Ginny. Sort of hokey writing don't you think?"

Hermione then looked at Harry, with a sense of great urgency. She was ready to tell him what the name of the new dark... er, the New Dark Lord was. Hermione swallowed, "Harry."

Harry felt impatient, "Yes?"

Hermione began again, "The chapter ends now."

Harry looked shocked.


End file.
